There is no easy way to say this..so I'm just going to come out and say it.
We lost the baby.
We are broken hearted, devastated, and over all, at a loss for words.
We worked so hard to get where we are and for it to just be gone...it hurts so deep.
We went in for an ultrasound on Thursday to check on the baby and to hear the heartbeat. It was a pretty routine visit that I had been through many times but this time we were supposed to hear the baby's heartbeat for the first time. Dr. Vandermolen started the ultrasound and you could see the baby right away...precious, little, blueberry sized light of our world! It warmed our hearts just to see it! But Dr. Vandermolen didn't say a word. He just kept moving the wand around trying to get different angles. Then he said it...the words that will haunt us for the rest of our lives. "I'm sorry, but this pregnancy just isn't viable. I'm not seeing a fetal pole or heart activity." I instantly started to cry. I couldn't hear a word he said after. I just went numb. How can we have went through all of this and the pregnancy not be viable?? I wasn't spotting or cramping...I had no signs of a miscarriage. Why did this happen to us????
I finally sat up and said the only thing I could get out of my mouth. "Why and what now?"
He told us that it wasn't our fault. We did everything exactly right. My cervix was in great shape, the placenta formed exactly like it should, but more than likely the baby was missing some chromosomes and had stopped forming. Now we will do another ultrasound on Monday to confirm and then you have the choice to do a D&C or take a pill at home.
Ugh! Why us?? Why this pregnancy?!
The days leading up to Monday were the worst days I had ever had. All I could do was cry and blame myself. Even though the doctor said it wasn't our fault...I felt as if I could have done something differently. A lot of what-ifs went through my mind. But overall...we just felt lost.
So we went back on Monday and did another ultrasound. This time we saw the fetal pole...but there was still no heart activity and the baby hadn't grown at all. It should have been 1/2 an inch and it hadn't grown at all since Thursday. It was confirmed. Our miracle baby was no longer with us. This time I was loaded with questions. Why did this happen? He said that miscarriages are actually very common. Actually, 25% of fertility challenged couples experience miscarriage. But our chances of having another miscarriage is extremely low. Less than 5% since the miscarriage wasn't due to low progesterone or a weak cervix or a malformed placenta.
Why haven't I had any signs of miscarriage? He told us that the fetus doesn't communicate with the body, the placenta does. And since the placenta was perfect, my body thought that everything was right with the pregnancy so it didn't need to start to contract.
What do we do now? He said that we can either go home and take a pill to have the miscarriage at home, approximately 90% of the time it works just fine. Or we can do a D&C where I go under anesthesia and he goes in to remove the pregnancy that way. While I do not like being put under, I didn't like my odds with taking the pill at home. So we opted for the D&C.
How long until we can try to get pregnant again? He told us that since the pregnancy was not my body's fault, we will wait 2 weeks to make sure that my uterus healed from the D&C then give my body a month to relax then we can go back to IUI. He also said that he felt confident that we could get pregnant with the first or second IUI and be able to take home a healthy baby with that pregnancy.
So we scheduled the D&C for Tuesday morning. We went in..got set up and it really hit me. This was my last hour of being pregnant with our first baby. I cant even explain how much Wesley's presence meant to me at that time. He was there for me when no one else could have been. He held my hand and assured me that everything was going to be ok. This was just a bump in the road. We will be parents. We will have a ton of babies. We just have to get through this time together and have faith in God and our doctor. Gosh I love that man!!! Even through the most trying times, we always come out stronger and closer as a couple. He truly is my soulmate and everything I want and more in a husband and father to our future children.
The surgery went well. I went home..no pain(physically). And now the healing process begins.
We will never forget how our first baby changed our entire view on life. We knew we always wanted to be parents but this baby just assured us that its God's plan..not ours. We will have as many children as He sees fit. Whether we have to do IUI each time or adopt. As long as there is a way, we will keep having children. Our hearts have so much love to give children.
I will keep you all updated. I told you guys that I would bring you along on this journey to parenthood...this is just part of it in our story. It sucks...it hurts so deep. But we wont give up.
Thank you to everyone for the prayers and kind words. It really means a lot to us!
Ugh! Why us?? Why this pregnancy?!
The days leading up to Monday were the worst days I had ever had. All I could do was cry and blame myself. Even though the doctor said it wasn't our fault...I felt as if I could have done something differently. A lot of what-ifs went through my mind. But overall...we just felt lost.
So we went back on Monday and did another ultrasound. This time we saw the fetal pole...but there was still no heart activity and the baby hadn't grown at all. It should have been 1/2 an inch and it hadn't grown at all since Thursday. It was confirmed. Our miracle baby was no longer with us. This time I was loaded with questions. Why did this happen? He said that miscarriages are actually very common. Actually, 25% of fertility challenged couples experience miscarriage. But our chances of having another miscarriage is extremely low. Less than 5% since the miscarriage wasn't due to low progesterone or a weak cervix or a malformed placenta.
Why haven't I had any signs of miscarriage? He told us that the fetus doesn't communicate with the body, the placenta does. And since the placenta was perfect, my body thought that everything was right with the pregnancy so it didn't need to start to contract.
What do we do now? He said that we can either go home and take a pill to have the miscarriage at home, approximately 90% of the time it works just fine. Or we can do a D&C where I go under anesthesia and he goes in to remove the pregnancy that way. While I do not like being put under, I didn't like my odds with taking the pill at home. So we opted for the D&C.
How long until we can try to get pregnant again? He told us that since the pregnancy was not my body's fault, we will wait 2 weeks to make sure that my uterus healed from the D&C then give my body a month to relax then we can go back to IUI. He also said that he felt confident that we could get pregnant with the first or second IUI and be able to take home a healthy baby with that pregnancy.
So we scheduled the D&C for Tuesday morning. We went in..got set up and it really hit me. This was my last hour of being pregnant with our first baby. I cant even explain how much Wesley's presence meant to me at that time. He was there for me when no one else could have been. He held my hand and assured me that everything was going to be ok. This was just a bump in the road. We will be parents. We will have a ton of babies. We just have to get through this time together and have faith in God and our doctor. Gosh I love that man!!! Even through the most trying times, we always come out stronger and closer as a couple. He truly is my soulmate and everything I want and more in a husband and father to our future children.
The surgery went well. I went home..no pain(physically). And now the healing process begins.
We will never forget how our first baby changed our entire view on life. We knew we always wanted to be parents but this baby just assured us that its God's plan..not ours. We will have as many children as He sees fit. Whether we have to do IUI each time or adopt. As long as there is a way, we will keep having children. Our hearts have so much love to give children.
I will keep you all updated. I told you guys that I would bring you along on this journey to parenthood...this is just part of it in our story. It sucks...it hurts so deep. But we wont give up.
Thank you to everyone for the prayers and kind words. It really means a lot to us!
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